


I've Been Tearing Around In My Fucking Nightgown

by PuddinLovesMe



Category: Company - Sondheim/Furth
Genre: F/F, company west end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-15 16:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17532305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuddinLovesMe/pseuds/PuddinLovesMe
Summary: “She was like the moon - part of her was always hidden away.”- Dia Reeves, Bleeding Violet





	I've Been Tearing Around In My Fucking Nightgown

She looked out of the window although she very well knew that she shouldn't. Her right hand was holding a glass that had been filled with whiskey. Now, of course, it was empty but she hadn't noticed that anyway. What she did notice as she was staring absently out of the window was a young couple holding hands. They were walking around like they were the only two people that existed in their world. So in love. She hated that word. Love. It was so empty.

 

The girl laughed at a joke her boyfriend had made. Eyes filled with joy, she was solely focused on him. Joanne nearly tore the curtains down when she closed them. She didn't want to see it any longer, couldn't stand it. She went to take another gulp of her whiskey. But it was empty. She growled angrily.

 

It had been the last bottle. Larry didn't want her to drink so much. He was concerned about her "physical and emotional well-being" at the moment. Oh Larry. She wasn't a child and being faced with restrictions only made her more reckless, less cautious than she already was. Because she didn't care. Why should she? It didn't matter in the end, it was just another vodka stinger, another whiskey.

 

The chime of the apartment's bell tore through her thoughts. Naturally, she didn't want to answer. She didn't like meeting people, friends at home. In a club or at a restaurant she wasn't alone, she could hide. In her apartment, she was, well, vulnerable although she would never admit that out loud.

 

Reluctantly she went to open the door because she figured she didn't have anything better to do at the moment. Larry was away on a business trip for five days and she began feeling lonely. Did she miss him? Or did she just miss the company?

 

"Joanne, hi, I'm so sorry for dropping in unannounced. You wouldn't believe what happened," Bobbie went off, making her way past her and dropping down on the couch in exhaustion.

 

"I had a date with some guy at a restaurant across the street," she started while kicking off her high heels. "Ben, Brian- or whatever his name was. His name must've been the most interesting about him. I tell you that. He was some kind of journalist. Those are normally pretty interesting, you know. But that one was just, ugh, a little too talkative. Went on and on about one political topic after the other. By the end, I nearly dropped my glass of wine because I was feeling so bored and tired."

 

She stopped, realizing that she had been talking without even paying attention to Joanne who was still standing at the door.

 

"I-I'm sorry for crashing in here like this but I couldn't think of anywhere else to go when that guy wanted to take me home."

 

"It's okay, kiddo," Joanne found herself able to speak again. She hadn't seen Bobbie in almost two months and she was a little overwhelmed, to say the least.

 

“So, Larry's not here today?" Bobbie asked, trying to fill the silence while looking around the luxuriously furnished living room.

 

"No, he isn't and you know I'd like to offer you a drink but he has thrown out all the good stuff and this-" she gestured to the glass in her hand, "was the last bit of whiskey."

 

"So why don't you go out and buy something?" Bobbie asked although she wanted to ask an entirely different question. _Why did Larry throw out all the alcohol? Are you okay, Joanne?_ But she wouldn't have gotten an answer for that one since the older woman was most defensive when asked about her feelings. Bobbie had learned that the hard way over the years of being friends with her.

 

"Mhm." Joanne just shrugged.

 

Bobbie realized how uncomfortable this was. What had she been thinking? She shouldn't have burst into her friend's home like that. She had never been at Joanne's apartment before, they had only met at clubs or restaurants. This felt wrong.

 

"Maybe I should go, I mean it's getting kind of late." Broad daylight was shining through the window. She didn't want to go but she also knew that she couldn't stay.

 

"We should meet up sometime next week. Larry told me he has found a new club that's really good," Bobbie continued rambling. Joanne nodded slightly, fighting a battle within herself.

 

 _Stay._ She wanted Bobbie to stay. Yet she remained silent, only speaking up to say goodbye to her friend and wish her a nice day.

 

The door closed and she leaned against it, breathing heavily, the empty glass still clutched in her hand. The last bit of her strength fading she slid down to the ground. Finally, she put down the glass.

 

-

 

The next day started with a call from Larry. She had somehow made it into her bed last night although without getting out of her clothes. Larry asked how she was feeling.

 

"Alright." She was always alright. I mean what else were you supposed to respond to that fucking question. _How are you?_

 

He then went on to tell her about the work he was doing but quickly realized that he was losing her attention so he changed the topic, asking her about their plans for next week when he was supposed to be back.

 

"I could show you that new club I've been too. Bobbie could come as well, wouldn't that make you happy?" _Yes, yes of course._

 

He was trying so hard and she hated him for it. Why couldn't he just stop? Why couldn't he just stop caring about her?

 

Then Larry had to end the phone call because he had a presentation to give. He had a job, a life to live. What did she have? She went to shower, undressing and lazily dropping her clothes on the floor. The cleaning lady would take care of it.

 

The water was nearly burning her skin but she didn't change the temperature. Somehow it was comforting, showing her that she could still feel something, anything. How long she stood there under the rain of the hot water - she couldn't say. Also, time was insignificant since she had nowhere important to be, no one to meet.

 

But she hadn't included Bobbie's tendency to be impulsive in these thoughts.

 

So the bell chimed again when she was almost finished with getting dressed. She descended the stairs, knowing who it was. Who else would come to visit her? Most of her friends only saw her because of Larry. Larry, Larry, Larry. The one who was such fun to be around, so lively. So good at handling conversations, doing small talk. God, she hated small talk with a passion. What did she care about the weather?

 

“Surprise?" Bobbie greeted her awkwardly, not sure whether she should go in for a hug.

 

"I brought something I thought you'd appreciate." She pulled out a bottle of red wine from her purse, which actually made Joanne feel something.

 

"Oh, thanks kiddo, come in," she tried to sound grateful because she was but why did her voice still have that bitter and cutting tone? That tone she couldn't get rid of. No matter how hard she tried.

 

But Bobbie ignored it, her silly smile plastered across her face. She had been afraid that Joanne would cut her off, send her back home because of how she had behaved yesterday. She was happy that she didn't. Bobbie knew that Joanne was in need of company albeit she would never admit that. That would tear down the indestructible walls she had built around herself. They kept everyone else out, however, they also kept her inside, unable to reach for anything, _anyone_ from behind them.

 

"I was gonna ask you how you are but maybe we should just have a drink first," Bobbie proposed, walking on thin ice. She didn't want to anger Joanne, didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable because then she wouldn't get any chance at all to talk to her friend.

 

Joanne carried two glasses with her to the couch, gesturing for Bobbie to sit down beside her. Bobbie did so, careful to leave enough space between them. Just not too close, _not too close._

 

"That's some really expensive wine," Joanne stated while pouring them both a glass.

 

"You have to treat yourself once in a while." Bobbie waved it off, not admitting that she had spent nearly a week's wage on the bottle. She had wanted to impress Joanne, to get her attention. Why, she didn't know.

 

They both took a sip.

 

"It's awful, isn't it," Joanne was the first to concede. Bobbie swallowed and started laughing. That wonderful laugh of hers that confused Joanne and made her whole world turn upside down. She hated it when people were laughing, they always seemed to be so pretentious, forcing themselves to have fun. But Bobbie was different.

 

After a while, Bobbie realized that Joanne was staring at her with a look she couldn't assess. _Quick, say something, anything._

 

"How's Larry doing?" _Oh, no._ Bobbie winced, that had been the wrong question to ask. Joanne's gaze was filled once again with that passive-aggressive look that was distinctively her.

 

"He's doing fine." Joanne looked away from her, intensively inspecting the glass in her hand filled with that god-awful wine.

 

"Don't you guys have your wedding anniversary in two weeks? Have you already planned something?" Bobbie was trying to find her way out of that awkward conversation but she was only making it way worse.

 

"That is in two weeks already? Ha, who would've thought?" She knew exactly that their anniversary was in two weeks. How could she forget? She had been anxious about that for three weeks now. Larry was always the sentimental type, the emotional one - but in a bad way. She couldn't share those emotions, couldn't reciprocate them.

 

And that was what she was afraid of.

 

"You could go to the theater maybe? There's this great new play I saw three weeks ago with, uh what's his name again? Anyway, the production is…" Bobbie trailed off with another story about a date gone wrong.

 

Why was she doing that to herself? Joanne often asked herself that question. It didn't make Bobbie happy, not in the real way. Those boys she went on dates with, where did she find them? They were all so terribly annoying.

 

Being married to Larry was better, wasn't it? He loved her and she…loved him?

 

"Joanne? Joanne!" Bobbie lightly tapped her shoulder.

 

"Yeah, yeah, ‘really good set design', ‘terrific cast'," she repeated what Bobbie had told her.

 

Bobbie sighed.

 

"Why can't you tell me what's going on," she blurted out without thinking once again. "I only want to help!"

 

Joanne scoffed. "Help? You can't even help yourself from moving from one terrible date to the other."

 

Her eyes were cold as ice. And Bobbie realized the mistake she had made. Why couldn't she just shut up sometimes? But now that it was out she wouldn't back down like that.

 

"At least I'm doing something with my life! You accused me of always standing outside behind the window, ‘just watching’. I think you are the one who's ‘just watching’. You watch everyone living their lives and you get unbelievably jealous."

 

Bobbie had never confronted her friend like that, so it surprised her when Joanne looked genuinely shocked and hurt. She hadn't expected that. She had expected another sharp and brassy remark but not this. Not the painful and lost look in her eyes.

 

"I think you should go now." Joanne's voice was close to breaking but she wouldn’t let herself fall apart. Not here, not in front of Bobbie.

 

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean it," Bobbie apologized quickly.

 

"No, no you _did_ mean it." _And you are right._ Bobbie stayed silent.

 

"Please - just go." She looked at the floor, not wanting to meet her eyes while she waited for Bobbie to gather her things and go.

 

The door closed. Joanne leaned back against the pillows on the couch, breathing heavily. Finally, she put down her glass.

 

-

 

Days went by. Larry came back, excited and cheerful as always. She wasn’t even listening when he told her everything about his trip. Why should she? It wasn’t interesting, not in the least. What did she care about some meetings he had with his bosses? She didn’t even exactly know what his work included. All she knew was that he was making a fucking lot of money.

 

So much money that he had gotten her a ‘small’ gift once again. A wonderful neckless she could add to her meaningless collection of expensive jewelry.

 

“We should go out,” he stated, waiting for her response.

 

She said yes and so they went to the club Larry had wanted to show her. There were so many young people, most of them even younger than Larry and she felt so old, so out of place. Those visits to clubs had been fun once. Why couldn’t she just enjoy herself, have a good time?

 

Larry went dancing while Joanne ordered a drink. That was when she saw a woman with red hair enter the club. She knew immediately that it was Bobbie. The way she stood there, appearing to be just as out of place as she was.

 

Bobbie caught sight of her as well and stopped walking before making a decision. Slowly she made her way towards the table Joanne was sitting at.

 

“Hi.”

 

Bobbie sat down next to her, not daring to look at her. Her hands were shaking a bit so she clasped them tightly in her lap.

 

“Hi,” Joanne shot back, her tone far from welcoming. But at least she didn’t send Bobbie away.

 

Bobbie’s thoughts wandered off to the last time she had been at a club with Joanne. It had been so confusing. The loud music blaring across the speakers, the loud people dancing and shouting, and in the middle of it all Joanne. Calm, lost in thoughts.

Bobbie had talked and talked and _talked._ No response from her. Why? She hadn’t been able to figure it out but it made her so unsure, so _confused_. Now the silence was even more awkward. No one was talking now, not even Bobbie. She didn’t know what to say yet she wanted to say so much.

They continued to sit in silence until Larry came back, breathing hard from exhaustion.

 

“Oh hi, Bobbie, it’s been a while.” He smiled at her and Bobbie forced herself to smile back although she didn’t feel like it at all.

 

“So nice to see you again, Larry,” she said. Joanne scoffed. Larry ignored it.

 

“Uh, do you want something to drink? I’ll go order something!” He didn’t even wait for their response, rushing straight to the bar. They were alone again. Well, as alone as you could be in a club full of people.

 

“I’m sorry,” Bobbie finally said, hating the silence they had forced upon themselves. She turned her head to look at her friend. Joanne continued staring at the nearly empty glass in her hand.

 

“What for?”

 

“For confronting you like that. It wasn’t fair, I was just so angry and frustrated because of what you said because it’s so true, you were so right and I-“ She was rambling once again.

 

“I didn’t go on a single date during the last days,” she finally made her point. Joanne looked up, shooting her a somewhat curious look.

 

“I’m not really interested in the guys I’ve been dating. I just, just wanted to date - I didn’t care at all who I was dating.” It was hard for Bobbie admitting that, even harder than coming to terms with that fact.

 

“Aren’t you gonna say something? Anything?” Bobbie was frustrated.

 

That was when Larry came back, carrying their drinks.

 

“There you go, ladies.” He set them down in front of Joanne and Bobbie.

 

“So, Bobbie, how’s your ‘love life’ going? Found the right guy yet?” Larry began making conversation and Bobbie just wanted to sigh in exasperation. _Not now._

 

“Bobbie’s stopped dating,” Joanne told him, balancing the new drink in her right hand.

 

“Oh, how come?” Larry inquired, not noticing the sarcastic tone in his wife’s voice.

 

“You know, I guess I need time to focus on myself.” It wasn’t exactly a lie she was telling him, just not the whole truth. She didn’t want to discuss that with him. She wanted to talk to Joanne. Joanne was the only person she really wanted to talk to and the only person who apparently didn’t want to talk to her.

 

“I understand, I also went through that phase. Until I met Joanne.” He looked at her with a loving smile.

 

“I want to go home,” Joanne said. Larry’s smile was instantly replaced by obvious disappointment.

 

“Sweetheart-“ Bobbie noticed Joanne wincing ever so slightly when he used that term of endearment. “Let’s just stay for one more hour? It’s not even that late. I’ve been working nonstop during the last weeks, I simply need to have a bit of fun now.” His eyes were pleading with her. Hers were cold and dismissive.

 

“But I _don’t_ want to stay, Larry,” she insisted. Larry sighed, knowing that he wasn’t going to win that battle. He turned to Bobbie who felt really akward listening to their conversation.

 

“Could you maybe go with her and see that she gets home safely?” Bobbie nodded, hoping that she could try to talk to Joanne when she was taking her home. Anything was better, really, than staying here.

 

“I’m not a child.” Joanne looked at him furiously.

 

“No, of course not. But you’ve had quite a few drinks.” He gestured towards all the empty glasses on the table in front of her. “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

 

“ _Fine_.” She gave in, knowing that she wouldn’t get home any faster if she kept arguing with him.

 

She downed the last bit of her drink.

 

-

 

“Just let me help you!”

 

“I don’t need any help!”

 

She tripped and would have hit the ground if it hadn’t been for Bobbie grasping her hand in the last moment. Bobbie shot her the ‘I told you so’ look. Joanne responded by holding onto her tightly, something that surprised Bobbie. The feeling of Joanne being so close beside her made her legs feel like jelly.

 

Bobbie hadn’t really drunk anything at all yet the feeling of dizziness started to wash all over her. Joanne leaning onto her, heavily.

 

When they got to the door of Joanne’s and Larry’s apartment Bobbie began feeling sad. She didn’t want to go. She had missed Joanne’s company so much during the last week. So much, that she couldn’t count the times she had almost found herself standing in front of her apartment, ready to ring the bell. But then she hadn’t.

 

“Why don’t you come in for a drink?” A pretty drunk Joanne suggested while fumbling with the key to her apartment.

 

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough drinks this evening?”

 

Joanne held the door open, looking at her with that crooked grin of hers, daring her. Bobbie took on the dare, following a tipsy Joanne into the living room.

 

They stood there, facing each other and Bobbie realized she was _still_ holding her hand. She wanted to say something, do something. Instead, she just stood there, eyes fixated on Joanne who was staring at her in the same way. They hadn’t even bothered to turn on the lights, so the room was only illuminated by the moon shining through the windows. Joanne’s black dress glistened in the ethereal light.

 

When Joanne was staring at her, all her thoughts about having another drink had vanished. She didn’t care, didn’t need it. What she did need was Bobbie. _Bobbie, darling_.

Then Bobbie couldn’t stand it any longer. Carefully she leaned down until her lips were touching Joanne’s. Before she knew what she was doing Joanne pulled her closer. So close. And started kissing her feverishly.

 

Bobbie knew that she shouldn’t be doing this. Joanne was drunk and she wasn’t exactly sober either. And Larry. Joanne was married to Larry. Larry who had trusted her to take his wife home safely. Larry who could be home as well now every second. Yet she couldn’t get herself to stop kissing Joanne, she just couldn’t. Her plump lips were so damn soft and the quiet moans that were escaping her made Bobbie’s head spin.

 

Joanne began pulling Bobbie with her until her legs collided with the couch and she fell down with Bobbie on top of her. 

 

Bobbie thought for a moment that she was seeing stars but no. No, she wasn’t seeing stars. The lights had been turned on. They were so bright that they were blinding her.

 

“Joanne, I’m home!” Larry shouted and the door fell shut behind him.

 

Panic started to rise within Bobbie and she hastily stood up, trying desperately to wipe away the smudges Joanne’s lipstick had left on her face.

 

“Oh, Bobbie, you’re still here.” Larry looked at Bobbie whose cheeks were red with arousal and embarrassment, then at his wife who was sitting on the couch, breathing heavily. He didn’t suspect a thing. Why should he? _They were just friends._

 

“Uhm…yeah…we had trouble getting a cab. But- just- I should go, goodnight.” Bobbie didn’t even wait for Larry or Joanne to wish her a good night as well. She bolted down the stairs so fast she nearly fell but she needed to get out.

 

“What’s the matter with Bobbie?” Larry asked, completely confused. He had never seen her like that.

 

Joanne shrugged. In her mind she was thinking about Bobbie and what had just happened between them. It had been a long time coming, hadn’t it? The way Bobbie had always been staring at her and how she hadn’t been able to get herself to look away. Back then it had been fun because there had been no consequences. Casually flirting with Bobbie hadn’t meant anything. She was married to Larry.

 

-

 

Later Larry told her that he was home so early because he hadn’t been able to stay at the club without her. He was sorry for sending her away with Bobbie instead of accompanying her. He was so nice and thoughtful. And what did she do? She shouted at him angrily. If he felt so sorry then why hadn’t he simply gone with her in the first place.

 

“Joanne, please, can’t you just for once try to be reasonable?” He begged. She turned on her heels, shutting the bathroom door after her with a bang and turning on the shower to drown out the sound of his many apologies.

 

She couldn’t let him in, no matter how hard she tried. She was afraid of letting him in, letting anyone in and letting them see how she was feeling.

 

With the steady and soothing sound of the shower running behind her she took a look in the mirror and cried. She had never cried before like that. When she and her first husband had broken up she hadn’t cried a single tear, not one. Same with husband number two. She had been young and without a care. She hadn’t needed them. But now she did need someone because she felt so painfully alone and life was nothing but a terrible fucking mess.

No one suspected a thing. Well, Larry did yet that was beside the point. They thought she was happy, living in an expensive apartment, married to a rich, young, good-looking guy who on top of all that really, honestly cared about her. She had everything anyone could wish for yet she had nothing.

Bobbie’s kisses had changed that, they had changed everything. They confused her. She always seemed to be so cold and collected as if nothing could shake her, however, Bobbie had sent her falling down a cliff.

Angrily, she wiped away the streaks of mascara her tears had left on her cheeks. She wasn’t herself. She had always, _always_ been the one in control of everything – she wasn’t about to lose that now. Not because of Bobbie. Bobbie with her hands that send shivers all over her body. Bobbie with her gray eyes that distracted her from everything else in the world. Bobbie – Stop. She needed to quit thinking about Bobbie. But she couldn’t think about anything else.

Bobbie was facing the same struggles, walking through the streets of New York on her way to her apartment. She was feeling an incredible high that she was grinning stupidly, the embarrassment from moments ago completely gone. All that was left was Joanne.

Part of her wanted to run back right now. She wanted Joanne, she wanted more. The last bit of rationality however small it was told her to push those thoughts aside. Nothing was going to happen between the two of them. Absolutely nothing. It had been a stupid dare of Joanne and she had been even more foolish to recklessly take it on. Joanne was married, totally off-limits. Why couldn’t she get that into her head? Why?

-

 

“I think we need to see a counselor,” Larry greeted her the next morning when Joanne walked into the kitchen to have breakfast at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, dressed in her silky nightgown.

 

She focused on making herself a cup of coffee, ignoring him deliberately.

 

“Joanne, please, I’m just trying to talk to you!” He grabbed her by her arm to turn her around. The look in her brown eyes scared him at first. They were filled with anger.

 

“Alright. Go ahead, _talk_ to me.” The only way she could get out of this one was by confronting him.

 

He sighed. She rolled her eyes. _Repetition._

 

“Please, won’t you see a counselor with me? I know that something isn’t right and that you aren’t feeling well.” He was gently trying to massage her arm, wanting to calm her.

 

“Well, I don’t know about you but I’m feeling _splendid_ ,” she remarked, voice dripping with sarcasm.

 

“See! That’s exactly why I’m so worried about you. You’re constantly attacking me. What did I do to you? What did I do wrong?” He was so desperate he was thinking that he was the only one to blame. He didn’t even consider that their failing marriage could be Joanne’s fault as well.

 

“Just leave me alone,” she muttered, tearing herself from him and walking out of the kitchen. Away from him. She wanted to get away yet she had nowhere to go.

 

Except for Bobbie.

 

With that idea in her head, she grabbed her high heels and her bag, not caring to get dressed. She needed to get out before Larry could try again to reason with her. So she ran down the stairs, getting into the first taxi she saw on the street.

 

Larry hadn’t even noticed that she had left. He thought she had gone back to their bedroom to shut him out again.

 

-

 

“Joanne?” Bobbie opened the door, still pretty much asleep and dressed in her pajamas.

 

“Can I come in?” Joanne’s voice was unusually soft and Bobbie knew that something must have happened at home otherwise she wouldn’t be here.

 

“Yeah, yeah of course,” she muttered, stepping aside to let her in.

 

Bobbie knew she shouldn’t be asking that question but she couldn’t keep going like that. She needed to know even if that might mean angering Joanne.

 

“What happened?” She slumped down ungracefully onto the couch next to Joanne who was staring off into the distance.

 

“Larry wanted me to see a counselor with him,” she admitted, deciding to be honest with Bobbie because she needed someone to talk to. That was why she’d come here, and not because of what had happened last night she tried to convince herself.

 

“Let me guess, you didn’t want to.” Bobbie tried to lighten the mood. She would do anything to get Joanne out of that state she was in at the moment. She seemed so shocked, so unlike her usual self.

 

“No, those counselors are always so _pretentious_.” _Just like you_ , _Jo,_ the voice in her head said.“They pretend they have everything figured out. They pretend they could help you. They pretend they know your problems and ‘understand how you are feeling’.”

 

“Not all of them are like that,” Bobbie disagreed.

 

“And how would you know that? You are so young, kiddo. You’ve never been married, you don’t know anything,” Joanne scoffed defensively. “I have a _suitcase_ full of sorrows.”

 

“Then why don’t you let anybody help you?”

 

Joanne shook her head. “You can’t help me.”

 

“I wasn’t saying that _I_ should be the one to help you,” she objected.

 

“Oh yes, you were.” Joanne turned to look at the younger woman, leaning closer ever so slightly. Bobbie’s heart started beating faster. Now Joanne was so close that Bobbie could smell her perfume, one of the most comforting scents to her. She smelled like roses mixed with the usual scent of cigarettes that was accompanying her.

 

“Just _say_ it,” Joanne whispered into her ear, her breath sending shivers down her spine.

 

“ _Yes._ ”

 

Joanne closed the last bit of space between them, kissing her hungrily. Bobbie’s hands went to caress Joanne’s back, all the while pulling her closer. Somehow Joanne managed to get off Bobbie’s shirt and Bobbie’s skin was on fire everywhere Joanne was touching her. She leaned into her touch, moaning deliciously. This was _good_ , so fucking good.

 

-

 

When Bobbie woke up she didn’t know where she was at first. Everything was dark until her eyes got used to the darkness that enclosed her. She realized she was in her bed, head resting on Joanne’s naked chest.

 

 _How_ had they made it into bed?

 

She sighed contentedly, relishing in the feeling of Joanne’s warm skin.

 

“You’re awake,” Joanne stated, the sound of her low voice doing things to Bobbie she couldn’t even begin to describe. She went ahead and lit a cigarette. Bobbie watched every move she made. It felt so unreal that Joanne was here with her and that there was nothing between them. No Larry, no random boyfriend of Bobbie’s. _They were alone._

 

“You’re beautiful,” Bobbie remarked, looking awkwardly into Joanne’s eyes. Joanne snorted in the most unladylike way ever.

“Do you use pick-up lines like that to get your boyfriends into bed?”

“First of all, I would never. Second, you might not have noticed it but you already are in my bed,” Bobbie retorted, an innocent smile on her face. She leaned closer to kiss her tentatively as if asking for permission. As if she wasn’t sure whether it was okay to kiss her, even after what had happened. Joanne responded eagerly, making Bobbie’s timidness vanish.

This could go on forever, they should stay like this forever. They were beautiful at that moment, beautiful and free. But then they were reminded of who they actually were by the intrusive ringing of Bobbie’s phone. She awkwardly tumbled out of bed, running to answer the call.

“Yeah, hello?”

 

“Larry, hi, it’s you.”

 

“Joanne, yeah, she- she’s here with me.” Bobbie looked at Joanne who was still sitting in her bed. _Bobbie’s_ bed.

 

She lowered the phone slightly, covering it with her hand.

 

“He wants to talk to you.”

 

Joanne sighed before getting out of bed as well and taking the phone from Bobbie.

 

“What is it?” Her voice was cold.

 

“ _Joanne, god, I was so worried. Why didn’t you tell me that you are at Bobbie’s?_ ”

 

“What do you want?” Joanne countered, not answering his question. Bobbie looked at her, regret painted all over her face. She had been able to forget about Larry when she and Joanne had fucked but now that he was calling she was reminded of how _wrong_ it was.

 

“ _Should I come and get you? I can be there in half an hour_ ,” Larry meanwhile suggested.

 

Joanne gazed at Bobbie, an unanswered question lingering in her eyes.

 

“Yes.”

 

“ _Alright, see you then._ ”

 

Joanne handed the phone back to Bobbie, then she walked over to the living room where she searched for her negligee and her nightgown.

 

“You’re leaving?” Bobbie said, clearly hurt.

 

“We both know that I have to.” She slipped on her clothes, tightly tying the sash of her silver nightgown. _I’ll always go back to him._

 

She went over, hugging Bobbie who weakly pulled the shorter woman against her. They continued to stand like that until the bell rang, ending their embrace. Before Joanne went to the door she kissed Bobbie one more time. The kiss was sweet like she was saying goodbye although she didn’t want to.

 

Bobbie went back to bed. The sheets were still warm. She hugged them, feeling so lost and lonely all of a sudden. This was nothing like her usual one-night-stands. Why would it be? Joanne meant too much to her. It had taken her so long to realize that.

 

Joanne was extraordinary. She set her on fire like nobody else could.

 

With Joanne gone she also started to feel angry. She was furious with Joanne. How could she do this to her, leave her like this? Who was to blame? Joanne for offering or Bobbie for knowingly accepting – and how she’d known.

Everything about Joanne, all of her flaws. She had known how dangerous she was but Joanne being this intimidating force had only increased her attraction towards her. Joanne was like this burning flame Bobbie couldn’t stop touching, no matter how bad it hurt. And it hurt so much, watching from her window and seeing her leave with Larry’s arm around her waist.

She hated herself for feeling that jealousy. Larry was her friend. Nevertheless, she couldn’t stand seeing him with Joanne, her Joanne. Why was she doing this? Why couldn’t she have stayed?

Nowadays Bobbie couldn’t get her dates to leave, they always wanted more, “commitment”, a “relationship”. How she loathed that. Joanne was the only person she wanted to hold onto. However, when she took Joanne’s hand she pushed her straight down a cliff. She should stay _away_. It was no good, _Joanne_ was no good.

Bobbie thought that it was just a fling for Joanne, nothing more. What did she have to offer? She was no match for Larry and she never would be. She couldn’t possibly know how much she meant to Joanne, how much she felt for her. Being around Bobbie left her feeling awkward and inexperienced, even after three or four marriages.

So close, she had been so close to spilling those words, those dangerous words. _I love you._

Then she hadn’t, too dangerous. She wouldn’t risk it. With Larry, there was safety and comfort. She could stay at home, comfortably, stare out of the window and watch. Watch how everyone passed by, beaming with a happiness she had never known. Except with Bobbie. _Bobbie, darling._

-

 

“I’m sorry for earlier, honey, I wasn’t really being fair. I’m just so worried. Hopefully, you could talk about it with Bobbie?” Larry closed the door behind them.

 

Joanne told him everything was okay now. It always was okay.

Then Larry ‘made love to her’ as he sappily called it while telling her how much she meant to him. She was everything to him.

 

She tried to escape his loving eyes, intently focusing on the ceiling of their bedroom as he held her close. In her mind, she could almost recall the feeling of Bobbie’s hands on her skin. It was so different from being with Larry.

 

She almost cried. _Almost._

 

When he was done she rolled over, facing away from him.

 

“I love you, Joanne,” Larry mumbled before finally falling asleep. Joanne _wanted_ to respond, she really _wanted_ to say ‘I love you too’ but the words wouldn’t come out.

 

She slipped out of their bed, deciding that she needed something to drink now. Pouring herself a glass of whiskey she noticed the silent tears falling from her eyes. She wiped them away angrily and downed the whole glass at once.

 

 _Bobbie._ Bobbie made her feel something. No matter how hard she tried to ignore these feelings they wouldn’t go away. It wasn’t fair.

 

Her gaze lingered on the telephone. She wanted to call her, desperately. Instead, she put down the glass and went to bed again. Larry instinctively pulled her closer in his sleep. She let it happen. This was good, wasn’t it? She didn’t need Bobbie. She had her marriage and that marriage was going to succeed.

 

She was lying to herself. She was hurting herself in order to please herself. She couldn’t cope with it.

 

-

 

The next week she found herself in the office of the marriage counselor Larry had taken her to. She hated it with every fiber of her being but how would she get him off her back otherwise? He was constantly worried about her, she couldn’t stand it anymore. This would make him stop worrying so that they could go on with their lives.

 

And she had promised herself she would work on this. She could make it work if she only tried hard enough.

 

“So your husband has told me that you seem to have a complicated relationship with alcohol,” the counselor, a woman in her mid-thirties, started. Joanne realized at that moment the mistake she had made by coming here.

 

“I thought we were here to discuss _our_ relationship,” she pointed at Larry and herself, “and not my relationship with alcohol.”

 

Larry sighed, burying his face in his palms. It was the only thing he seemed to be doing nowadays.

 

“Please, Joanne, you promised me you would take this seriously.”

 

“I am taking this seriously, _Larry_ , I just fail to see how my ‘complicated relationship with alcohol’ has anything to do with our marriage.” She shook her head in frustration.

 

“I just think you’ve been drinking too much in the past weeks, especially when I’m away,” he tried, reaching for her hand and stroking it gently.

 

“Then maybe you shouldn’t go away,” she shot back and pulled her hand away from him. She was accusing him of perpetually leaving her but she was the one who had distanced herself from him. Larry didn’t see that.

 

“Okay, Joanne, I will quit my job. I am going to stay with _you_ , anything _you_ want.” He didn’t even know what he was saying, what he was promising. He knew internally that nothing would make her come back to him.

 

Joanne meanwhile looked at him. Shock and fear written all over her face. No, this wasn’t how it was supposed to go.

 

“This is just wrong,” the tone of her voice grew more frantic. “This is wrong. I-I need to get out.”

 

She jumped up. Larry wanted to stop her, grab her by her arm and beg her to stay. But she was right, it was wrong. She was uncomfortable, she wasn’t feeling well at all and he couldn’t any longer force her to do something she didn’t want to do, something that she couldn’t do.

 

He watched her grab her coat, hectically throwing it over her shoulders. When she was at the door she looked back at him. One last time. The look he was giving her was heart-breaking. She went back to him, reaching for his hand. One last time.

 

“Goodbye, Larry,” she murmured and pulled her hand away.

 

She was long gone when he opened his palm to find her wedding ring there. It hurt like hell but he couldn’t get himself to run after her. Nobody could tie her down. She would always be a force of nature. He hadn’t been able to handle that, he hadn’t understood that. He regretted it so much. 

 

Months later he learned about her new relationship with Bobbie. Even then it hurt, but it didn’t hurt like hell. She was happy with Bobbie.

 

-

 

When the taxi driver asked her where he should take her she didn’t hesitate at all. She gave him Bobbie’s address. During the whole car ride she was shaking, with fear or with anticipation she didn’t know. She didn’t know what she was doing either. But for the first time in her life, it felt like she was doing something she really wanted.

 

They arrived and she got out of the taxi. Bobbie was standing on the steps in front of the building. She was in the arms of a tall, blond guy.

 

Joanne wanted to hide, to run away. But Bobbie had already seen her. She tore herself from the embrace and rushed towards Joanne, not caring about her date’s obvious confusion.

 

“Joanne? What are you doing here?” Bobbie looked at her, she had never seemed so lost.

 

“I-,” she paused, staring at Bobbie for the longest time. “Nevermind. I’ll just leave you to enjoy your date.”

 

“No. No, you’re not leaving. Not this time,” Bobbie found the courage to speak up. That was when her date tapped her shoulder to let her know he was still there. She turned to him.

 

“I’m sorry, but can’t you see that I’m busy?”

“Then I’ll see you tomorrow?” There was a little bit of hope still left in his eyes. However, that disappeared quickly when Bobbie shook her head.

 

With that matter being dissolved she turned around again only to find that Joanne wasn’t there anymore. She had started walking off so Bobbie started to run after her, nearly tumbling to the ground a few times because of her heels but she didn’t care.

 

She wouldn’t let Joanne walk away from her.

 

“Joanne!” She called, finally catching up with her. Joanne stopped.

 

“What did you want to say?”

 

“Kiddo, it’s alright, _really_. Just go and have fun with your date.”

 

“We both know that that’s not what I want to do. So can you, _please,_ talk to me?” Bobbie went to hold her hand, needing to touch her, to comfort her. Joanne didn’t pull away. She looked up at her, taking a deep breath.

 

“I broke up with Larry.”

 

Bobbie hugged her tightly. Joanne leaned into her embrace, finally feeling okay.

 

After a while she drew back a little bit but Bobbie didn’t let go of her hands.

 

“I don’t want to run away anymore, I can’t,” she confessed, gaze fixed on Bobbie holding her hands, holding her. She was afraid because she was alone, all her confidence gone. She was afraid Bobbie wouldn’t love her. Because how could anyone love her? What did she have to offer?

“Then stay, we can make it all work.” What was she saying? She wanted it. She wanted Joanne so much and they were so close, closer than ever.

“Mhm,” Joanne quietly laughed, it was a sad, conflicted laugh.

“You’d really want that? Me? It’d be like living in hell, kiddo.” She shook her head.

“Are you asking me out on a date? Because I accept,” Bobbie cheekily replied.

And so they went. They walked down the street, not knowing where exactly they were going. But it didn’t matter. They were walking toward something they didn’t know. But they would figure it out, eventually. Together, only the two of them.

This time it was Bobbie’s arm around Joanne’s waist. Joanne wasn’t the one watching, she only had eyes for Bobbie.

_Bobbie, darling._

 

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Ldr's song "Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me have" which I listened to nonstop while writing this. Also, who noticed the quote I borrowed from Patti?


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